I don't feel I know what is best for all children. But I'm seeing more and more what isn't best for most of them. I like to think I know what is best for my children. The fact that I'm surely wrong about even that, is a perpetual burden.

Looking at a child who is obviously suffering and labeling their resulting dysfunctional behavior as developmentally normal makes their suffering invisible. Looking at the collective suffering of teenagers and labeling their resulting dysfunctional behavior as developmentally normal allows society to turn a blind eye to our own dysfunction. This is exactly how abuse is perpetuated and, as a society, we are doing exactly that.

School makes kids crazy. Then we label their crazy behavior as normal, shrugging as if to say, "That's just how kids are." That is total bullshit. And its done in the name of science and pedagogy, which is an ugly irony.

I am having such a hard time writing about deschooling. Am I making sense?

Deschooling is the process of slowly opening your eyes to the true nature of children, what they actually need, and what we might reasonably expect from them. Its a simple concept but deceptively profound. The implications of deschooling could change our society.

My friend, B, who just finished her Phd in Childhood Development and Education, asked me to consider the story of a teenager at a local boarding school for gifted and talented teen scholars. This kid intentionally dumped a bucket of dry ice over on the table where a bunch of people were working to make ice cream as a fun end of year science project. We know the bucket tipping wasn't an accident. It might have been intended to hurt other students or the teacher, or it might have been done for other reasons.

Is this normal behavior? Here are the things we can say are true about teenagers in our society. They've been in school their whole lives. They are expected to be periodically defiant, unpredictable and to have a certain amount of poor judgment. Science tells us teenagers are wired differently, their brains are under developed, and they won't have reliable judgment until they are approximately 25 years old, neurologically. Society generally does not hold kids, and especially teenagers, in high regard and our expectations of them are quite low.

My son is gifted and talented and very creative. He would no more dump out a bucket of dry ice on a table, on purpose, than my goats are going to sprout wings and fly to town for treats. He would never do such a thing. Because that is sociopathic behavior. And I am confident that none of his peers who have been homeschooled their whole lives would do it, either.

To write off the dry ice incident as behavior periodically typical of highly intelligent creative teenagers, we fail all children in a horrible way. If we imagine an adult doing such a thing we get a clear idea of how inappropriate it was. If my husband did that we would say he is either crazy or mean. If we shrug and say, in affect, teenagers are sometimes assholes or unpredictable, or creatively gifted in a way that might be excused as impulsive we are making a huge mistake.

In many places in the world the idea of being a teenager does not exist. There are babies, children, and adults. Somewhere around puberty is the traditional dividing line. Homeschooling mothers are discovering this is true and everything our society teaches about teenagers is wrong. Teenagers are simply adults without much life experience. Fully reliable, sane, kind, and as willing as the rest of their community.

The kid who dumped out the bucket of dry ice is obviously suffering. He's either angry or chronically frustrated or mildly brain damaged from too many years in school. We should try to see him clearly and begin to fix what is broken in his life. School is a huge component of what is been broken in the lives of American teenagers. The damage is often mitigated by really super great parenting. But it would better for everyone to just stop damaging children in the first place.

Deschooling allows you to begin to see what is normal and what is broken. And its heartbreaking.

                                                                                                            Teen Holding Cupcakes ~RRW

"I don’t know if I could ever homeschool. I will do it if I could take the kids and travel all over the world. Can you do that or do you have to be in the country for test and stuff?… I think everyone chooses what’s best for their own family. Best of luck for you and your family!" ~ from the comments after Why We Are Homschooling at Holistic Squid.

The first year we officially homeschooled was 2003. We've been at it for 11 years. One of the most illuminating and rather sad things I've learned is the lesson of deschooling. My children have never been to institutional school so they can't deschool--there is no institutional paradigm for them to shed. I, on the other hand, have been plagued all these years.

I spent that first year sitting at my kitchen table in Texas fretting. I worried over curriculum. What a waste of time that was. We use no curriculum. I worried I was making an unwise decision for my children. Nope, they're well grown and quite intelligent. I worried I could never give them enough because I'm not smart enough. The truth is, homeschool is not about parents pouring themselves into children. Homeschool is about children discovering the world in a nurturing environment. Its about them expanding themselves. And finally, I was seriously and dreadfully full of worry and fear that school was coming to get us. I was jumpy. I had nightmares.

A monster was coming for us. A real monster with a cavernous dirty mouth and a 13 year digestive process that eventually shits its victims out the other end in compact dark boxes. At least, that is how it felt to consider pulling out of school. I felt there was nothing much between my children and a horrible monster, except me. And I'd already been beaten by this monster. My nightmares the first year involved tall skinny severe white men hunting me down in hallways to administer never ending tests despite my never ending failure. Waking hours, I feared the doorbell ringing in our home that first year. I expected the monster to come calling.

It would be easy to say this fear is my own damage and nothing more. But through these eleven years, I've seen it in the eyes of new homeschooling parents, listened to them talk it through over and over again, spent hours reading and responding to them online. There are about 3 million homeschooling families in the United States. That is nearly 6 million deschooling parents and they are all scared. I've never heard anyone who didn't start scared. That's one helluva lot of spook for nothing to be scared of.

You can not grasp the influence of institutional school over your psyche until you try and pull away. It is an invisible force inside you. People don't realize because most of us never walk away, and we aren't meant to. When we graduate it is not over. We can never leave what we now wear on the inside. And we understand our parents went, we went, our children will go, our grandchildren will go, and we will never question it. The smartest people I know, the most radical thinkers, the bravest and the strongest aren't smart, radical, brave, and strong enough to pull away without deep fear. Most aren't even strong enough to question the perverse circular logic of going to school because school says its best. Yes, democracy depends on a well educated constituency but school won't tell you, that has nothing to do with school. Yes, children living in poverty could be well served by school. But really, we all know they mostly aren't.

De-schooling is a lifelong process. On average, it takes about a year to stop having the worst of the nightmares and to stop fretting quite so much. I think because it takes about a year to observe your children doing well even though they aren't at school, even though you haven't discovered the perfect curriculum yet, and even though they seem strangely happy. Though, happiness is anti-intellectual, isn't it? That's what school says. Of course, we are used to measuring children yearly so that feels natural. 

"I don't know if I could ever homeschool." I have internalized the message that I am impossibly small and unimportant. I would homeschool if I had permission, a hall pass, to do dynamic and awesome things--things much bigger than my own obvious smallness--such as traveling the world with my children. But school clearly owns children and nothing else can properly fill, measure, or label them. I believe in my own smallness and the grandiosity of school so deeply, I have such profound faith in the correctness of the system, the system's voice is so deeply ingrained inside of me, as to be a part of me and therefore inaudible as a separate voice. Institutionalization is complete when the illusion of choice seems real. There is no viable choice. But "best of luck to you and your family" if you homeschool.

It will take the rest of your life to de-school. If you care to try. Thankfully, it gets easier as you go.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled blog post for a public service announcement.

This is a listing of the chemicals used in fracking that are going to be illegal to report on. This also has the bill's sponsors.

SB 786 - Energy Modernization Act Sponsors: 

* Senator Bob Rucho (39th District - Mecklenburg County), Office: (919) 733-5655, Cell: (704) 847-3461 Bob.Rucho@ncleg.net
Home Address: 305 Trafalgar Pl. Matthews, NC 28105-2674
*Senator E. S. (Buck) Newton (11th District - Wilson, Nash, Johnston County), Office: (919) 715-3030, Cell: (252) 246-9089 Buck.Newton@ncleg.net
Home Address: 415 Sunset Rd NW. Wilson, NC 27893-2955
*Senator Andrew C. Brock(34th District - Davie, Iredell, Rowan County), Office: (919) 715-0690, Andrew.Brock@ncleg.net
Home Address: 160 New Hampshire Ct. Mocksville, NC 27028-4265
 
Here is a partial list of trade secrets:
Chemical Name Chemical Purpose Product Function
Hydrochloric Acid 007647-01-0 Helps dissolve minerals and initiate cracks in the rock Acid

Glutaraldehyde 000111-30-8 Eliminates bacteria in the water that produces corrosive by-products Biocide
Quaternary Ammonium Chloride 012125-02-9 Eliminates bacteria in the water that produces corrosive by-products Biocide
Quaternary Ammonium Chloride 061789-71-1 Eliminates bacteria in the water that produces corrosive by-products Biocide
Tetrakis Hydroxymethyl-Phosphonium Sulfate 055566-30-8 Eliminates bacteria in the water that produces corrosive by-products Biocide
Ammonium Persulfate 007727-54-0 Allows a delayed break down of the gel Breaker
Sodium Chloride 007647-14-5 Product Stabilizer Breaker
Magnesium Peroxide 014452-57-4 Allows a delayed break down the gel Breaker
Magnesium Oxide 001309-48-4 Allows a delayed break down the gel Breaker
Calcium Chloride 010043-52-4 Product Stabilizer Breaker
Choline Chloride 000067-48-1 Prevents clays from swelling or shifting Clay Stabilizer
Tetramethyl ammonium chloride 000075-57-0 Prevents clays from swelling or shifting Clay Stabilizer
Sodium Chloride 007647-14-5 Prevents clays from swelling or shifting Clay Stabilizer
Isopropanol 000067-63-0 Product stabilizer and / or winterizing agent Corrosion Inhibitor
Methanol 000067-56-1 Product stabilizer and / or winterizing agent Corrosion Inhibitor
Formic Acid 000064-18-6 Prevents the corrosion of the pipe Corrosion Inhibitor
Acetaldehyde 000075-07-0 Prevents the corrosion of the pipe Corrosion Inhibitor
Petroleum Distillate 064741-85-1 Carrier fluid for borate or zirconate crosslinker Crosslinker
Hydrotreated Light Petroleum Distillate 064742-47-8 Carrier fluid for borate or zirconate crosslinker Crosslinker
Potassium Metaborate 013709-94-9 Maintains fluid viscosity as temperature increases Crosslinker
Triethanolamine Zirconate 101033-44-7 Maintains fluid viscosity as temperature increases Crosslinker
Sodium Tetraborate 001303-96-4 Maintains fluid viscosity as temperature increases Crosslinker
Boric Acid 001333-73-9 Maintains fluid viscosity as temperature increases Crosslinker
Zirconium Complex 113184-20-6 Maintains fluid viscosity as temperature increases Crosslinker
Borate Salts N/A Maintains fluid viscosity as temperature increases Crosslinker
Ethylene Glycol 000107-21-1 Product stabilizer and / or winterizing agent. Crosslinker
Methanol 000067-56-1 Product stabilizer and / or winterizing agent. Crosslinker
Polyacrylamide 009003-05-8 “Slicks” the water to minimize friction Friction Reducer
Petroleum Distillate 064741-85-1 Carrier fluid for polyacrylamide friction reducer Friction Reducer
Hydrotreated Light Petroleum Distillate 064742-47-8 Carrier fluid for polyacrylamide friction reducer Friction Reducer
Methanol 000067-56-1 Product stabilizer and / or winterizing agent. Friction Reducer
Ethylene Glycol 000107-21-1 Product stabilizer and / or winterizing agent. Friction Reducer
Guar Gum 009000-30-0 Thickens the water in order to suspend the sand Gelling Agent
Petroleum Distillate 064741-85-1 Carrier fluid for guar gum in liquid gels Gelling Agent
Hydrotreated Light Petroleum Distillate 064742-47-8 Carrier fluid for guar gum in liquid gels Gelling Agent
Methanol 000067-56-1 Product stabilizer and / or winterizing agent. Gelling Agent
Polysaccharide Blend 068130-15-4 Thickens the water in order to suspend the sand Gelling Agent
Ethylene Glycol 000107-21-1 Product stabilizer and / or winterizing agent. Gelling Agent
Citric Acid 000077-92-9 Prevents precipitation of metal oxides Iron Control
Acetic Acid 000064-19-7 Prevents precipitation of metal oxides Iron Control
Thioglycolic Acid 000068-11-1 Prevents precipitation of metal oxides Iron Control
Sodium Erythorbate 006381-77-7 Prevents precipitation of metal oxides Iron Control
Lauryl Sulfate 000151-21-3 Used to prevent the formation of emulsions in the fracture fluid Non-Emulsifier
Isopropanol 000067-63-0 Product stabilizer and / or winterizing agent. Non-Emulsifier
Ethylene Glycol 000107-21-1 Product stabilizer and / or winterizing agent. Non-Emulsifier
Sodium Hydroxide 001310-73-2 Adjusts the pH of fluid to maintains the effectiveness of other components, such as crosslinkers pH Adjusting Agent
Potassium Hydroxide 001310-58-3 Adjusts the pH of fluid to maintains the effectiveness of other components, such as crosslinkers pH Adjusting Agent
Acetic Acid 000064-19-7 Adjusts the pH of fluid to maintains the effectiveness of other components, such as crosslinkers pH Adjusting Agent
Sodium Carbonate 000497-19-8 Adjusts the pH of fluid to maintains the effectiveness of other components, such as crosslinkers pH Adjusting Agent
Potassium Carbonate 000584-08-7 Adjusts the pH of fluid to maintains the effectiveness of other components, such as crosslinkers pH Adjusting Agent
Copolymer of Acrylamide and Sodium Acrylate 025987-30-8 Prevents scale deposits in the pipe Scale Inhibitor
Sodium Polycarboxylate N/A Prevents scale deposits in the pipe Scale Inhibitor
Phosphonic Acid Salt N/A Prevents scale deposits in the pipe Scale Inhibitor
Lauryl Sulfate 000151-21-3 Used to increase the viscosity of the fracture fluid Surfactant
Ethanol 000064-17-5 Product stabilizer and / or winterizing agent. Surfactant
Naphthalene 000091-20-3 Carrier fluid for the active surfactant ingredients Surfactant
Methanol 000067-56-1 Product stabilizer and / or winterizing agent. Surfactant
Isopropyl Alcohol 000067-63-0 Product stabilizer and / or winterizing agent. Surfactant
2-Butoxyethanol 000111-76-2 Product stabilizer Surfactant

 Floating into 14 at the river! Did you know we could get 14 candles on a cupcake?

Shoes for homeschool.

Plain old playing still occasionally happens.

Now we will count to twelve
and we will all keep still.

For once on the face of the earth
let's not speak in any language,
let's stop for one second,
and not move our arms so much.

It would be an exotic moment
without rush, without engines,
we would all be together
in a sudden strangeness.

Fishermen in the cold sea
would not harm whales
and the man gathering salt
would look at his hurt hands.

Those who prepare green wars,
wars with gas, wars with fire,
victory with no survivors,
would put on clean clothes
and walk about with their brothers
in the shade, doing nothing.

What I want should not be confused
with total inactivity.
Life is what it is about;
I want no truck with death.

If we were not so single-minded
about keeping our lives moving,
and for once could do nothing,
perhaps a huge silence
might interrupt this sadness
of never understanding ourselves
and of threatening ourselves with death.

Perhaps the earth can teach us
as when everything seems dead
and later proves to be alive.

Now I'll count up to twelve
and you keep quiet and I will go.

- from "Keeping Quiet" by Pablo Neruda,

Four things that have suffered as a result of my work outside our home:

1) home cooking
2) increase in library fines which used to be nil
3) inability to manage a dual grocery list--items needed from two stores written side by side
4) blogging

Four things improved by my work outside our home:

1) I'm in better physical shape
2) I love my work at the farm.
3) We have a little bit more money
4) We have fun eating out more often

Of course, eating out more often sucks up the extra money, as does the library fines and the inefficient shopping. And eating out more often surely does not contribute to better health. One thing relatively unchanged by all my time away is the children's education, which hums along according to the needs of each kid. Which certainly would not be true if they were younger.

H is getting a lot out of basketball camp. It really stretches him physically and emotionally. Its tough to surrender to what you don't know and be terrible at something in order to learn, especially in a public forum, especially as such a tall guy among little kids. I admire what he is doing. Plus, he is learning something really fun, once mastered.

R recently mentioned that she's enjoying biology these days. When asked to clarify what she meant she said she's been going through the biology classes on Khan Academy and likes them. Its a study that can lead to a medical degree. She would be a fantastic doctor, because she's brave and steady and deeply compassionate.

Finky Doodles happened a couple of years ago but I forgot to blog them. I have my order in for a Cow Finky with Backstory. I can hardly wait. I'm not sure who took these pics. at playgroup when Finkies first  hit our community. Twernt me. Domino is such a character! :o)

Last night I dreamed about a hundred pound domestic bunny-rabbit, cute and fluffy with lop ears and soft brown fur and huge brown eyes. I spend the dream searching for and trying to hold the rabbit. Who was too big for holding and didn't want to be held anyway.

                                                                                                                Thank you, Gus, for this image.

Again. Listen to him again.

Here is the truck that took the baby goats to their new home. Here are the mothers who watched them go. Its been almost 8 weeks. The day before the babies left, I noticed Cereza kicking her baby off, twice. I guess she felt 8 weeks is an appropriate time for weaning baby goats. Now I begin milking for our family in earnest.

I LOVE MY BOOTS. 

Gear is an important part of my job now. I've never been a techy/gear kind of gal. But I'm leaning that way these days. Especially for cold weather. I have very definite opinions about gloves and hats (wear 2), underthingumies, bibs, and socks. It all matters, as does the summer hat. I work in long khaki pants with long sleeved high-necked t-shirsts for sun protection. And I see all of this slowly seeping into my wardrobe and eroding away other choices. Stay tuned, I may become that sort of quirky old woman who dresses. very. specifically. all. the. time.

Last week at work I was walking down our fifty head lane, which was full of manure and urine, with a fist full of chocolate chip rum pound cake. I was happily walking and eating, nom nom nom, when it hit me that the ability to walk down a manure filled lane happily eating cake is probably a good working definition for being a cowgirl

We had dinner downtown at a place with community seating at picnic tables. Awesome burgers, but that's beside the point. While eating, we sat with two different families. Both were very pleasant. I enjoy humans in chance encounters---the perfect situation for a profoundly introverted person who really likes chatting sometimes. But that's also beside the point.

The first family had an only child who is in middle school. They had a bunch of questions for me about homeschooling. I am very happy to talk about homeschooling. I can talk about it for days. The problem is, I have teenagers now and I don't have anything bad to say. In our culture, if you can't trash, bemoan, or complain about your teenagers, you better not say anything at all. No one wants to hear from parents with happy teenagers. Seriously, it causes asses to pucker hard. And hot on the heels of ass puckering arrives suspicion. If your teenager is happy, there must be something profoundly wrong or at least profoundly weird going on at home. The irony of which is staggering. I encounter this dynamic over and over and over again. I have to learn to be quieter.

The second family had one adorable red headed 4 year old who is tall for his age. His "I Spy" book brought back lots of fond memories. His happy constant chatter, the way he used his hands, his unguarded friendliness, the way his shoe wouldn't stay on, all of him brought back fond memories of life with toddlers. At one point he turned from the table and draped himself across the iron railing that separates the seating area from downtown traffic. His mother responded instantly: "Sam! Turn around this minute! ......One. ........Two. .........." Sam never flinched, never wavered, and certainly did not turn around. My husband and I both noticed and both laughed inwardly. Girlfriend, you just bet the farm and lost. Never count if you won't go to Three.

Sam wasn't just testing the depth of his mother's empty soul. He was flirting with a younger baby standing in her mother's lap, waiting for a city bus. He yelled at her, "Hey Baby! You are a baby! Ha ha ha ha HA! Baby!" And that little girl just beamed at him, undiluted happiness. Her mother, meanwhile, smoked a cigarette in perfect unawareness. She looked truly burdened and I wished very badly there was some socially acceptable way for us to offer her a ride anywhere.

"Children who have the ability to recall and make sense of memories from daily life—the first day of preschool, the time the cat died—can use them to better develop a sense of identity, form relationships and make sound choices in adolescence and adulthood, new research shows"
~ The Power Of Earliest Memories

The kids and I spent the day in World Market and Target buying some things for the house and the new clothes for summer that we've not been able to find at the thrift shop. Its pretty rare for us to venture into retail mecca and we had a great time. After picking out new curtains and a rug for our living room, we spent a long time walking around shit-talking and cracking jokes. I think we touched everything in the store? We all laughed and we had a lot of fun and I kept thinking: this is homeschool, this is us having fun, taking in the world, being together, enjoying life, being out, no one knows our life is like this, these smiles--these are normal day smiles for my kids. A narration which was the opposite of foreboding joy.*  I guess we might call it simple or common joy.

The men are going out tonight to watch a baseball game with friends. R and I are planning popcorn for dinner and The Deathly Hallows, part 2. With extra butter.

*Oprah and Dr. Brown sound a little too enthusiastic in this clip. But I'll be damned if it doesn't sum up my experience of this entire year practicing gratitude. Its word to the word truth.

Hey kids? I AM SO GRATEFUL TO BE YOUR MOTHER!  I LOVE YOU BOTH, SO MUCH.