"To what are you held captive? Fear, anger, avarice, greed, lust, gluttony, despair? Do you drag your past or your belongings behind you like Jacob Marley's chains?"

My husband and I sat on the couch in the early dark dawn of Christmas Eve discussing our failings. I read an article that said, to paraphrase: If you are reading a parenting book that says anything other than Fix Yourself, you are likely reading the wrong book. Its an idea I've run across many times and I've seen its worth in action. If a child has a problem its a safe bet there is a parent who needs fixing. Fixing the parent often fixes the child. Parents: sometimes it IS your fault. Get yourself together and your kids will probably be fine.

I am friends with the head of pediatric dermatology at Duke University. When he sees teenagers with profound acne, he often sends the parents for psychotherapy. And that ALONE will usually clear up their children's skin. How's that for alternative? I asked why that works, he answered: stress causes acne. Head of Pediatric Dermatology at Duke, you heard me right.

My husband and I actually have very few worries, beyond the old standards of bad luck and missed opportunities, about our children. But we both have plenty of failings and we both come from rather broken families. And so, periodically, we review it all. What are we missing? Where do we need to improve? He was stoic, genuine, and fearless in his self assessment. I wept into my coffee. I recalled the redemption of Scrooge and the uncanny timely words of a Christmas letter from a dear friend.

Do I drag my past behind me like Jacob Marley's chains? Yes, I think I do. Does this affect my children? I don't know how, exactly, but it must. Dear children, I'm so sorry. I'm working on it.