One of the fascinating things about working on the farm, for me, is my relationship with my boss. My boss and I are a lot a like. We're also a lot different. I like her as a person. She is fascinating, strong, driven, and very very brave. But what is so valuable for me is what she offers in terms of a mirror. She is controlling, impatient, worried, and given to a bit of drama. By which I mean, her fear distorts her ability to see clearly, sometimes, I think, which makes situations seem bigger than they are in her mind. And watching her run the farm reminds me so much of how I've run my family, especially in the early panicked years. I've been hell as a wife. My husband, not without his own faults, is a saint.

I've said all that before but I have new insight into the situation as of today. I tend to thrive and excel at work. In paid situations, if I care, there is a good chance I'll end up in charge. I work hard, don't bumble about, get into flow, kick ass. If I care to.

I try hard, focus, get noticed as valuable. And thrive on that personal sense of value, of being on a team where I matter. And that sets up a cycle of trying hard, focusing, and feeling valuable.

None of this happens at my current job. In my current job there is no amount of success that seems to stick with my boss. I'm only ever as valuable as the 10 minutes I'm standing in. And success is only momentary and will be followed by any failure, duly noted, relentlessly. I can't seem to achieve any kind of permanent status as Very Valuable. What's interesting is how I can't seem to rise above it. It almost feels spiritual or subject to psychological physics. My husband suggests its impossible to harmonize with disharmony. He is onto something with that.

I move as an adult with consistent purpose and intention bending my will and effort systematically, in this job. Yet I can't rise above it. By which I mean, at this job I become someone who bumbles, doesn't find flow, is capable of repeated mistakes. I don't look or seem managerial and hyper-trustworthy and superb. I seem Just As I'm Treated.

Look at that. That is an important thing to notice. I'm sure its a human phenomenon. Apparently we have not much choice but to behave how we're treated a lot of the time. That is profound. I'm trying to surpass it and I haven't been able to. Even thought I'm smart, I try as hard as I can, and I care about working with cows A LOT.

Lots of implications for parenting, education, and marriage. I return again to my new favorite quote:

What are some consequences of low trust, and high trust?

In low-trust environments, you'll see low morale, disengagement and a lack of commitment. You'll also see people manipulating, distorting facts and withholding information. There will be resistance to new ideas, bad-mouthing, finger-pointing, overpromising, underdelivering and, often, tension and fear. Everything will take longer to do and everything will cost more.

The converse in high-trust cultures is equally true. When the trust goes up in an organization, the speed will go up and costs will come down. Your ability to collaborate goes up, as does your ability to attract, retain and engage people. When trust goes up, you’ll see people sharing information, not afraid to make mistakes, more creativity, higher accountability and greater energy and satisfaction. When you move the needle on trust, you move all kinds of other needles with it. ~S Covey