Homeschoolers say goodnight. 

I've been experimenting with the Lord's Prayer as a structure of meditation and surrender, as a way to cope with fear and ineptitude, and as a way to deepen my understanding of the path of least resistance. If the unconscious is a dark foreboding monkey-shaped shadow jumping in the middle of a curve in the road at the edge of perception, the most profound form of that I've experienced is a feeling of fear akin to Anne Lamott's assertion she was fucked the day her son was born, the day she encountered the truth of her vulnerability. It does not get deeper or truthier than that, as far as I can tell. I'm using prayer, this one specific prayer, to face that truth. I know it makes me sound nuts. But what else have I got?

I used straight meditation from my early twenties up till recently, off and on. Which works just fine, but after 20 years leaves me wondering if I can't do more than counting to 10. I mean, yes, using the structure of 1 through 10 breaths to encounter sacred stillness is immensely helpful. It is an important and useful tool. But Stephen Levine tells an interesting story of meditation. (I keep typing medication accidentally.) He once spent a month meditating on the color blue. He quit the day he hugged an old friend who pulled back, laughing, and said, "when I hug you all I see is blue." That day he began to meditate on love, instead.

Now is a dark cool drizzly morning. Our Father in heaven, hallowed be thy name. I'm in my husband's favorite chair with a hot cup of coffee. I am undeniably blessed. My fear is huge. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. I can not keep everyone safe. There is no quarter. Give us this day, our daily bread. I tell the cows: Milk Time, girls. Everyone has a job to do in life. And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. My mind is filled with a vision of the universe in motion. Can higher power get any more obvious, or mathematical? Words layer over wheeling "day blind" stars in my mind. Lead us not into temptation. We are broken and radically free. But deliver us from evil. What I have seen again and again is that force doesn't work. Fear nurtures chaos. Ego is hindrance. For thine is the kingdom, the power, the glory forever. Meanwhile, I'm free to wield enormous ego and chaos. Now its raining. The dogs have shifted, the cats gone outside, my children are still asleep. Begin again.

A list of things for which I'm very grateful:

My husband now works close to home. Its supposed to rain all day and I do not have to worry about him on the interstate. (Wait, I think he's at a meeting in the capital city...d'oh!) But still, I'm grateful he's close to home these days.

My husband knew I was exhausted yesterday so he carried 500 pounds of chaffhaye up hill by hand for me. So I would't have to. Then he slept on the couch so I could go to bed at 8:30 last night. Because he knew I had to be up at 4 this morning.

Basically, I'm just grateful for everything about my sweet awesome husband.

I'm grateful for my new job that kicks my ass ten ways from sundown. Its physically, mentally, and spiritually WAY more challenging than I would have guessed. But I love it. I'm learning a ton of stuff. They are paying me to get in good shape. Today a heifer calf was born while I was there. And my boss is an amazing and inspiring woman who rocks.

My kids. I am so grateful that I get to be around my kids every day. I love coming home to them. I love seeing them go out to have fun in the world. I love thinking about their future. I love them love them love them. (In case there was any doubt.)

At work this morning soppy wet green manure splashed up my nose. Don't have to worry about probiotics today! :o)

Have you ever seen cuter cupcakes? My friend made these herself! And as delicious as adorable.

  Eat yourself some cupcakes while you ponder this new Moyers interview with Wendell Berry.

 This is the universe, grounded.

 This is a 3 and half foot deep hole I dug with a post hole digger. (ROAR)

 And this is the universe returned to the sky, a gift from friends we met in Texas who had recently escaped Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans. One of the best things about it is when someone notices its beginning to move and says: Look, the universe is turning! Then we all rush to the window to see. Look out the window, its true and always a happy thought, the universe is turning. 

We arrived at, The Mountaintop by Katori Hall, too early this morning. With time to kill, we wandered over to the cemetery next door. Passing through the white side to the slave side, graves marked with rocks, we discussed the stark contrast. My daughter noted this was not their first slave cemetery. Much in the same way she recently reminded we've already covered Huckleberry Finn--more than once. Okay then, it was still the perfect prelude to such a wrenching and poignant show.

See it. See The Mountaintop if you have a chance. Its surprising and awful and it will break your heart. I sniffled. Then I sort of wept quietly. Then I had to have a stern conversation with myself about not embarrassing the children and getting a hold of myself before the house lights came up.

I was so grateful the children were already familiar with Malcolm X. Homeschooling win for this mom, today. We went to the fanciest place I could think of, for lunch after. It was the children's first real experience with the power of theater. We deserved respite and nourishment and something fine after, to extend the experience, to celebrate, to let it all sink in.

On trusting learners: "Personal, not Private" ~John Gardner

"Hand on heart, looking into each other’s eyes: do we think required courses do much more than salve our conscience and give our students and us a way to play “let’s pretend” much of the time? The evidence I’ve seen, personally and professionally and across many different contexts, does not support the idea that a “forced march across a flattened plain” does more good than harm. Rather the opposite."